he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Houston, we have a squirter
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
