Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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