I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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