Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
