based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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