i just wanna soil my oats bro
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
