Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
