Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
