your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
