You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
