why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
