you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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