we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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