im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she smelled like a LAN party
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
