So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
