Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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