Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
