I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
