Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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