he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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