Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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