He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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