I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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