We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
