Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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