I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
