So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
