I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
