when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
