If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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