And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
