matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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