My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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