What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
