U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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