we made out on top of his cat.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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