i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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