I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
