Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
is wine microwaveable?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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