I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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