1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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