T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I woke up under a house in Key West
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
