the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
