Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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