I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
