Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
