Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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