I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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