Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
