ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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