How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
