When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
