You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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