She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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