bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
