i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
