He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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