I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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