She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
