So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
