Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
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His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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