I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
