The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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