Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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