life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
