I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
