a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
